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How to tear up your face

Somehow this makes me want to grow a beard. Unfortunately, beards suck too. Especially if you have allergies, where your mustache gets caked with snot. Then there's greasy fried chicken (okay sue me, I'm from the South). Have you ever seen greasy fried chicken crumbs stuck in a beard? It ain't pretty!

The other day I decided I was tired of shredding my face with blades. For some reason my face has never been one of those faces that likes being shaved. Too many interesting contours to it. So I did a little research on Epinions and other web rating sites, and found that there were two other possiblities -- a foil-type razor like the Remington Microscreen, and a rotary razor like the Norelco razors. People's opinions were that this was a case of where you got what you paid for -- a $120 Norelco really WAS that much better than a $40 Remington.

So I went out and bought one of the Norelcos, the one that uses their top of the line blade and foil set. The verdict so far? Well, it beats bleeding, but not by much. It leaves my face looking like it's been scrubbed with a brillo pad instead. And as far as "shaving as close as a blade" goes? Fughettahboutit!

Oh, for you youngsters out there: don't even think about an electric razor. Your lean chiselled faces don't have the "give" for it. You'll just have to keep chopping your face up with a razor. Us oldsters with saggy jowels, on the other hand...

You'd think that, with as many millions (or billions) of dollars are spent on removing facial hair each year, somebody would come up with some better way of handling things. Let's see, pluck or chop. Sounds like something you want to do to chickens, not to faces.